1:48 p.m. - 2007-01-08
Healing Machine
Its been a while.
I wrote a few emails. No, I lie. I wrote one, single email. Hit send. Smiled. I was tempted to email my sister. I still am. I am 95% sure her email address is still the same. I think it is ironic how hers and mine are sooooo close to each other and we really have not talked in... A year or more. I've said a few words to her on the phone here and there. But I never really SAID anything.
I kind of want to now though and I'm not sure why. What would bring me to that? What would happen if I did?
Would it be freaky to justj drop an email like "Hey sis, whats up?" Or, do I do the whole drawn out... "Hey, I think I should start this out with an 'I'm sorry'. SIS, I am sorry. I am sorry for... Backing away the way I did. For not being the bigger person and stepping up and doing the right thing. For refusing to be the person to take the first step. I am sorry if I somehow made you feel... Bad, or wrong, or shitty. I am sorry for not being there for my sister, and more over, my best friend at the points in them when you might have needed me most... I am sorry it took me this long to 1) get the balls to say something 2) to act upon it (because I have wanted to say something to you for a while.) and 3) that it took me this long to see.
Despite what anyone, ever tells you, I do still love you very much.
Love you.
Susie. "
*shrugs*
Its so dumb, because that last line, really hurt, not to write, but because I know people have tried to... Or HAVE convinced her otherwise. I just dont really know how she feels. I have soooo many things I'd like to be able to tell her. Just stupid fucking shit. "Hey man today I saw a dude in a skirt at the mall." Ya know.
Bleh. I had been doing really well with my SI but damn.
I really need to go for a run or something. Just dont think I can run, legs slightly crampy. Jesus.
I really really really want to send that to her. But... Fear stops me. Fear, hahahahahhahahah isnt that funny? I'm afraid to hit SEND on an email yet, I've got how many tattoos? How many pirecings? I want to sky dive and I've done all sorts of scary cool things, yet hitting send, makes me break down. NICE. I breath, in and out, long controled breaths... Doesnt help much.
I'm going to... Do some yoga then nap maybe. ARGH.
*sigh*
