4:31 a.m. - 2008-05-02
Trees and mud.
Its late right now.
Or maybe its early.
I'm not really sure where one draws the line. Something I can tell you, its raining and thundering pretty damned good right now.
Well what I was going to say was, I just checked postsecret, and normally when I check it, I leave feeling, I dont know. Better or something. Like, yep. Someone else feels it too... But this time, I dont know. Nothing touched that nerve.
Odd I know. But, its spring and what more can I ask for? Crazy pills and razor blades. Sleep and rain. Paint under my finger nails and an empty tum.
Once, I remember saying I wish I had the guts to do it full on. Once became a real thing apparently. And how people sometimes tell you, your methods of coping dont work. Well uh, yeah I know it doesnt really work, but, I dont have the... Want to really deal with the shit right now. So, I use what I know, and what is comfortable for me. What I've known since I was, what 13? Its comfort, its pain, and I'm in contol. As I've said before, I'm not really good with change. So, this works for me. And when I get sick of it... Maybe then will be the right time to trudge through all the ash and broken glass. Melted kermit dolls and things rendeder unnameable because of fire. Because of blood.
Melted into my palms, the guilt. The, burden on my back. The scars on my skin. Fire licks at my face and an evil smile speads across my lips.
I was once asked if I've ever been convicted of arson.
"Convicted?" I asked.
"Yes... Convicted of arson. Convicted by a judge, held accountable for arson."
I thought for a moment. Then quickly and happily chirpped "No. Never been convicted." I smiled inwardly.
A very simillar(sp?!?) thing happened once when asked what had happened to my, at the time, pretty badly cut up writst. "Did you..." they sputtered, then stopped and looked closer. "Did you... I mean it looks like you... Cut yourself." They furrowed their brow and frowned at me. I did not react. Them holding my arm out at an odd angel. "Did you cut yourself?" I survayed my arm, looked at them, at their arm, clean and free of any blemishes save for a slight hint of an old scar from a car accident, then looked back at them. "Yep. I did." I said without a hint of guilt or hesitation in my voice. Head up. Eyes lit. Confusion washed over their face and then my cat Rivers jumped at the person. Not sure why, it just happened.
And with that pointless post, I'm going to sleep. For I have, house inspections to like, go to tomorrow.
