6:49 a.m. - 2008-06-17
Loneliness sucks.
Fic.ti.on.
At fourteen I started leaving little reminders, as I called them. Wanted to start fires on my flesh. Kept close to my blood, the very soul of me, blood, me, the secrets I carry.
Smiles.
I work with this kid. I call him a kid, not because of his age, because truth be told, he is older than me, by more than just a few years, but because of the way he thinks. And acts. When I told a close friend who the first person I slept with was, and more over, how old they were... Well, they were surprised. Because he was double my age. So, this kid.
It is hard to put my finger on what it is... But he has something.
And to be frank, I want it in me.
__________________________________
Fic.ti.on.
When I was twenty I first dropped acid. It was on a strange foggy warm starless night in the middle of a friends farm. There was a small lake with a dock that I jumped from. Kid was there, and he sat on the dock drinking a beer. Being quiet, just watching. We all calmed down, around a fire with barefeet and then I remember feeling like I was being pulled from the real world into a strange oft-world. It was not bad. Just kind of made me see the world diffrent.
I was still me, just much much much smaller. Meaning, I'm not the only one in the world. Everything and everyone is so huge, there is so much, so many. That me. I dont matter.
I had one in my purse. Safty net.
Took it out, and made sure I'd remember that there are more.
Small swirlling little half loops all around my left writs. Bloody and sore under my hoodie cuffs.
But I never forgot that night.
________________________
I crush hard on Kid. Sometimes I take baths and lay my head against the cold hard tiles and suddenly his hands are between my thighs... Takes my head swimming.
.....More later. Or not.
